Filed under: The Writing Life
May 4, 2010
The Drunk Girl In My Bathroom
Last night a drunk girl came to visit. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. Yet, there she was – clothing somewhat optional and drunk off her ass – in my bathroom. Her name began with a J (I do know her name, but I think she’s suffered enough indignity to end up drunk in a stranger’s bathroom, don’t you?). So, Miss J had a bad day. And if I can infer enough from her tears, Miss J’s bad days had come in a series that began when she was 13 and her mother died. Miss J was somewhere in the vacinity of 30 so when I say drunk “girl” really, please don’t picture a 17 year old. Miss J should have known better than to be drunk off her ass at 7:30 pm at her age, but those bad days have stacked up against her.
My sister happened to come over somewhere in the midst of me getting Miss J out of the bathtub and into her skinny jeans. Have you ever had to get a fully grown, drunk, woman out of a bathtub and into a pair of skinny jeans? I should add that Miss J is my height – so please don’t picture a petite little 17 year old. My sister and I have both been drunk girls in bathrooms at one point or another – typically, I can speak mostly for myself here as my sister will have to answer for herself – in our own or at least friend’s bathrooms, so I’m not calling pot shots out at anyone, okay. But if you are going to go out on an all day bender perhaps skinny jeans are not your best option. So, my sister and I got the drunk girl out of my bathroom and into my kitchen. “Oh, look a dog. Cute doggie. I like dogs. Oh, look, are those children . . . there are small people here?” (cue my husband literally shooing the children out the front door and off to get pizza with his arms akimbo like a blue oxfod wearing father goose.) And no, I don’t usually wait until 7:30 to feed them, but it was Cub Scouts night. I am sure there’s not a badge for drunk girl saving.
So, Miss J’s phone was dead. The one person Miss J wanted more than anyone else in the world was – her father. This part did surprise me. My father would absolutely have killed me. Luckily for Miss J her father was listed on the white pages website. Thank God he’s of the generation that still has a landline and actually answers it. So, Miss J’s father is on his way and we’re still feeding Miss J Ritz crackers, water and ibuprofen. Have I mentioned how happy I was that Miss J declared, “I’m not a puker” when I handed her a bucket to put on her lap? The skinny jeans had been enough for me.
So, here’s where this is going. Miss J, while attempting to smoke a cigarette with me holding my hands underneath hers so she wouldn’t burn herself (I don’t smoke and yet I facilitated a drunk girl holding a burning object – surely there is a badge for this in the Senior-level Girl Scout handbook!) looked up at my sister and said, “are you married? cause my dad is totally going to hit on you.” (he did not, for the record) So, should I feel guilty because the only thing I could think of is “wow, this would make a great story – the couple who met over a drunk girl in a stranger’s bathroom.”
No way should you feel guilty. I look at life as a series of would-be stories, although this one trumps most of the stories I have.
Yeah, you need to capture this moment in fiction–Miss J even gave you some great dialogue. As for merit badges, they simply ought to have a merit badge for taking your children to Cub Scouts. Actually getting them dinner before would be a separate badge for “Above and Beyond.”
I am all for adult merit badges, Sally. I would like to see the design for “Saving Drunk Girl.” What do you think it would look like?
Only you ‘chelle.
I say go for it! It’s been awhile since I’ve had a drunk girl in my bathroom. Though I believe the last time involved her falling asleep in my bathtub.
You know, Chudney, the story might work better if she did fall asleep. I may have to try that. I can honestly say I’ve never fallen asleep in someone’s bathtub. Bathroom floor, maybe, but never the bathtub.
Hmmm.. Saving Drunk Girl merit badge (as Special Agent Oso is on in the background…maybe it should be a digimedal) I’m thinking two of those people in the style of the roller coaster signs that tell you to keep your hands, arms, etc. in the car. One drags the other with her arms under the armpits of the drunken one. A high-heeled shoe lays to one side to indicate women and there are squiggly lines (a la Andy Capp) above the head of the drunken one.
Just re-read that. I need help.
Sally I love it! That is the perfect badge. I think I may start a new company selling “Badges for Grown Ups.”
Very funny, Michelle! This sooooo sounds like something that would happen in my family. The stories I could tell you of growing up. My mom is out here for graduation and some of the stories she is telling us, man, I can’t imagine some of the scary situations we put ourselves in back then.
You are truly a good person.
Tami
Do they come looking for you or do you go looking for them? I think you are like me. You secretly go looking for the crazies.