Filed under: Uncategorized
June 7, 2010
What Is That In Your Junk Drawer?
(Thanks for stopping by to check out my censored post. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think – could I have ruined someone’s life/career/family with this piece?)
I’m going to break some kind of land-speed record for how many times I use the word penis in this post. Just so you are prepared. Those too virginal or squeamish should turn away now. And so we’re all on the same page, junk is the term used for the whole package – the male genitalia as it were.
I am always somewhat shocked when a man displays his junk – who can ever forget Michael Douglas on Leno or Derek Hough on Dancing with the Stars? When it’s on TV you can just snigger into your gin and tonic, but when it’s in person I don’t know where to look or whether or not he wants the world to see it or just had an unfortunate case of pant size confusion. Especially fascinating are Italian men who wear their clothing to deliberately advertise their junk. From what I’ve heard, Brazilians and Argentinians are happy to stuff their junk in a package that’s meant to display their wares like cellophane-wrapped ham hocks around New Years. Then you have entire regions of American men who wear pants baggy enough to be skirts and you have to wonder . . .
What was that you said? It’s like cleavage on a woman? Oh no. It’s not. Boobs are universal. Junk is not. And junk is an illusion anyway – it’s not like the package on display is really telling the whole story. Of course, then you have the picture above – now if men with their junk all out and about looked like THAT perhaps junk exposure would be more appealing?
I grew up with only a sister so until I started my foray into womanhood the male junk was sort of a mystery. Then I had husbands, and a son, and it became just one more thing around the house to maintain. So, here is my practical guide to the junk drawer.
Five Penis Facts from, I swear this is true, CBS News:
1. A penis does have a mind of its own. Men in fact have less control over their penis than they do their arms or legs. It’s tied to the nervous system. The arms and legs, however, should remain under the man’s control, which should allow him to walk away and put his hands in his pockets. Tiger Woods and Jesse James may not have known that this is how it works.
2. As far as size, there are two varieties: Growers and Showers. A penis can grow anywhere from the width of a paperclip to the length of a Blackberry. Hey, I’m sitting at my desk and that’s all I had on hand. So, that penis that looks puny may be a grower and the one that looks temptingly like a good nudge might yield results may be a shower and it’s already given all it can give.
3. The Penis Is Shaped Like a Boomerang. The root of the penis is tucked way up in the pelvis and when actually detailed on an MRI it’s, yes, a boomerang. Which explains why it’s always getting itself stuck in the same old spots, doesn’t it? And you can totally picture how that MRI session started. The copier was broken and the techs had to do something besides photocopy their asses . . .
4. A Penis Can Be Broken. Contrary to the whole “boner” thing there’s no bone, but a penis can be fractured. Those of us with husbands over 30 ought to be really thankful because a broken penis tends to be a young man’s problem. Now, if anyone is going to take up Courgaring be warned, the younger the guy the more rigid the penis, which can lead to great joy and happiness, but also a chance of accidental breakage.
5. Most Penises in the World Are Uncut. Only 6% of Australian men are circumcised. 20% of Brits and 30% of Canadians. Who’s up for a field trip to do “research?”
Beyond the basic facts and junk exposure – there’s that question most women have pondered at least once. Why are men always adjusting their junk? Is it to get our attention? They don’t quite understand the female mind if that’s the case because when I see junk-adjustment going on the first thing I think of is: infection. I don’t adjust my boobs in public and I’d like to ask men to refrain from adjusting their junk. Although I’d have to guess frequent boob-adjustment would earn me a fan club.
Five Reasons Men Adjust Their Junk:
1. They have junk pinchage
2. Their junk is sticking to their leg
3. Their pants are too tight, causing junk compression
4. Their junk ventilation is insufficient causing suffocating junk
5. A woman is within a mile and she might like to be reminded that they have junk to share
I’m sure previous generations of men would have scoffed at this, but the current crop of men (none among the men I know – I did an informal survey) seem to be more sensitive to junk-aroma. Did you know they have begun making toiletry products aimed specifically at junk? Don’t believe me? Go to www.manjunk.com and see for yourself. I think this is great payback for the past fifty years of Summer’s Eve commercials.
If you’d like to see the worst instance of Man Junk ever on record, here’s a You Tube video for you:
And people wonder why I live intown! So, who has a good junk story? What are your feelings about junk exposure and adjustment?
Ha! That made me laugh!
As to the censorship part, I’m actually slightly offended, not at the blog, but at the fact that THIS was considered censorship worthy. Really? Men can write articles about women’s breasts and other parts with impunity and no one blinks. A woman writing a humorous blog about men’s “junk” (they named it, we didn’t) is offensive? I’d call bullshit but for fear I’d be censored based on this criteria.
Unless you were sending this blog in to Highlights or the Christian Science Monitor, I would think most adults would get the humor here without offense. Then again, I’m a happily married woman and not afraid of penises, so what do I know anyway?!
Here’s what I am curious about (not that it makes a difference; I’m just a curious sort!): was the censoring party(ies) male, female or both? I’m wondering who’s sensibilities were soiled!
What’s in your junk drawer — hilarious title.
Yeah, growing up with just a sister, the junk was pretty mysterious. My first real “view” was from a Playgirl magazine that one of my college friends was showing everyone for the shock and awe. I’d seen black line drawing in medical books before, but… Yep, I was innocent. So were most of my friends.
It would be really interesting to learn more about junk fashions in history. Some of the bottoms men wore had to have left little to the imagination..,even when the junk was covered by steel. I saw Henry 8th’s armor. The codpiece was gigantic. Yeah, we snickered. The tour guide actually brought it to everyone’s attention (as if it had to be brought to attention).
Ashley – it was women – not everyone, just a few. They felt this piece was anti-male. WTF? If I didn’t like men I would not have married one? That’s sort of the problem with classifying yourself too closely with a genre when you’re a writer. We want to pigeon-hole ourselves into these very tightly defined classifications and then it’s like a straightjacket. I’m a writer – I write. Sometimes I write funny and sometimes I write poignant and sometimes I write things that are just middle of the road. The book I’m working on now is more magical realism. The blog group I was part of has some very great women as part of it – although several of them quit with me. LOL The women in the blog who objected are trying to write inspirational books and my post conflicted with their religious sensibilities I guess. The religious write strikes again!
Anna – I think junk fashion would be interesting. I like the Scots take on it – just let it all hang free and wink a lot.
I’d never heard the term before, so when I read the title I originally thought you were talking about “junk drawers” and I have about 10 of them scattered around the house, most of them in the kitchen. I really wanted help with them, Michelle, and I figured with your construction knowledge you had a surefire solution.
Yeah.
I have two boys and and dh, and I teach elementary school, so I’m pretty much immune to seeing guys adjust themselves. Fortunately, by the time my boys were 3-4, they didn’t seem to have the need to figure if it’s still there every five minutes. But following my sons through baseball, well, I’m sure there’s a reason why every single batter has to adjust himself before he steps to the plate. Pull, pull, adjust, hit the plate with the bat…adjust one more time…you get the picture. Drove me crazy. Just get in the batter’s box and hit, dammit!
I walked into the bread section of our neighborhood Publix one day several years ago and there was a guy walking toward me that had on the tightest pair of short-shorts I’d ever seen. He was strutting like a peacock (no pun intended) and his attire left nothing, absolutely nothing, to the imagination. It was all out there, and I mean all–picture the largest Hickory Farms summer sausage you’ve ever seen stuffed in there. My mouth dropped open and he…smiled. Yes, he smiled. I quickly looked away, grabbed the closest loaf of whole wheat bread and raced away.
I’m sure he got the reaction he wanted. I wish I could’ve come up with a witty put-down, but I was so shocked, it took me days to recover. Really. I’d close my eyes and there it was…bigger than life, taking up the entire landscape of my imagination!
I have no idea why he felt it necessary to do that…I mean, we’re talking Cumming, Georgia in the middle of the day, not a nightclub in a megalopolis.
Very, very interesting, especially the CBS News facts. I’m all about facts.
Great post…witty, informative, well-crafted…and typical Michelle. Thanks!
Anna, that Hickory Smoked Sausage reference was hilarious!!!
I still say this post is educational. I’m an only child, so no news on the penis front there. I am married with a son, but I usually send him to his father with an “I’m sorry, but I don’t have that particular set of equipment.”
I have a feeling when I tell my hubby about this that “junk compression” may enter the Kilpatrick lexicon!
Forgot to mention two great junk moments in popular culture:
Simpson’s episode “How I spent my Strummer” when Lenny Kravitz leads a junk stuffing seminar at rock and roll camp. “I don’t do it, but Kenny Loggins does.”
Then, in This is Spinal Tap, there’s the scene with a cucumber and the airport security wand.
Totally, Sally. Junk was a mystery to me. And I have an uncut son because if someone had asked me to cut something off my newborn girl-child I would have brained them with a bed pan so there was no way I was letting them cut something off my boy-child. Consequently, some of the junk issues are puzzles to his father as well.
Just this morning I read about some big Bollywood star who went through a full-body scanner at an airport and then had to sign the fully revealing scan of himself for the security (female, natch) guards. He reported being thankful for being well-endowed. We can add that to Anna’s pop culture junk moments. I loved This is Spinal Tap!
OMG Anna D. That is too funny. He was obviously looking for some junk-tention. I am trying to resist making a joke out of that happening in Cumming . . .
This is it? I waited a whole week for this. No offense. I’m not trying to call your junk small, but it is a bit insignificant. Oh, wait. I forgot, you just got out of a cold shower. Do you remember that I had a post that mentioned male nudity last year. No wonder stock prices across the U.S. dropped by a point. http://petitfoursandhottamales.com/2009/05/a-naked-man-and-other-gifts-from-my-mother/. I can not find an offensive word above. I looked, I really wanted you to be wrong about this.
Well, in college we named our ta-tas, b/c we thought it unfair that boys had nicknames for their whoo-hahs. Mine were Dancy and Trixie. I never adjusted them. They fall where they may. Had a Freshman adviser who I called “Constant Adjuster” to his face. I, too, come from a family of women and I just couldn’t figure it out. I would count how many times he would touch it during a conversation. Brilliant and nice guy. He just had a junk habit. Not much weirder than biting your nails. Now I don’t think about junk. I avoid junk. Not because it is bad, but it makes you pregnant and someone should have told me about this years about. I would have formed a protest group. “Boycott Junk: It makes babies”. Really, I’m taking my sex-ed show on the road.
But junk is also happy. Junk LOVES me. Junk really can make you smile. I admit it I LOVE junk. It still puzzles me as all good things do. Religion, happiness, peace. Junk. I need an adjustment.
If I had junk it would be HUGE. I’ve never named my ta-ta’s but I like the idea of it. In college they would have been named something sexy and cute, now I would just have to name them Flip and Flop.
Let’s face it, Nicki. Junk is funny. I think I know some other people needing an adjustment. Last night I inadvertently stuck my boobs in the produce man’s face as I was reaching for some green onions and he was putting away some organic rutabagas. I did not adjust my boobs, but they were right there. See, that’s the thing. We all like junk – it’s just not as fun to look at over the green onions. Or in the bread aisle.
You need a junk adjustment of the surgical kind at your house.
I thought this post was hilarious the first time I read it…and I still think it’s great the second time around. (And, dude, can the guy in the white boxer briefs get any more smokin?)
Like Nicki, I seriously found absolutely nothing offensive with this post. I laughed like a Heyena and agreed with every word.
Why is it socially acceptable for guys to adjust thier junk in public, but if I yanked on my bra to re-arrange a nipple in public (Gosh I hate when one nipple is pointed up and the other one pointed down when I’m wearing a tight shirt…don’t you?) people would have have a fit. And God-forbid my nether region has an itch (just a regular old ich, nothing suspect mind you) I wouldn’t dream of scratching my crotch in public, but a guy doesn’t think twice about relieving that itch right in front of everyone.
What’s up with that?
It’s a mystery that will never be solved.
Great post Michelle!!!
Have a great evening!
Tamara
You crack me up! He is one heck of a hottie, isn’t he? Next post is about him as well, but another spin you might not be expecting.
Woops, actually they’re not boxer briefs Mr. Hottie’s wearing…they’re tightie-whities.
I just scrolled up to take one more peek before I left the sight and realized my blunder.
Glad I did…he’s worth a second look!
T
Erm, Ok. So I’m the token male. I get it. I’m not offended by anything there, it’s locker-room humor that is good for the soul.
Facts are solid–pinching forces your hand, no doubt. If it hurts, I’m adjusting. I’m not apologetic, though I at least try to be discreet. Might have been nice to include some of the *ways* to adjust. The hand in pocket bit, cross and uncross, not all of us dig.
You always paint a picture with your writing and that is what I found to be the most uncomfortable. I’m not homophobic, but my mind doesn’t usually go there either, so it was a bit of “really? eww.” As I’m a natural hypocrite, I realize that had you been just as vivid about a woman adjusting her sweater puppies (term I heard today, yes, I’m old) I would have enjoyed it MUCH more. Even better if you use the term “va-jay-jay”–that’s hawt.
I think the bottom line is that blogs can be a lot like “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” Here’s your topic: Go! Mix it up, take a topic you wouldn’t ordinarily take, take a stance that is outside your comfort zone…just write. In the end, you have more perspective. One person’s junk is another person’s exercise (you’re lucky if they’re one and the same, wink).
Next post should be about sweater puppies. These are the Compu-Interwwebs. No censorship is allowed.
Sweater puppies, huh? We’ll see what we can do with that. I think an entire post dedicated to breast euphemisms might be in order. Since I’m going to have to start blogging here more often I’m going to have to get some topics rattling around in my head.
Hey Michelle!
I do love this post (and the picture…grin….). I laugh every time I read it. I’ll tell ya I read my blogs on Google Reader because I can’t access the blogs from work. With more than 150 blogs that I follow, I tend to skim a lot. This is one of those posts that really stand, hit the reader over the head and make them (me) stop and read from beginning to end.
I’ll tell ya I loved it before and I still love it. It really shows your quirky sense of humor and attention to detail (in the writing…..not meaning the actual research here….although….hmmmm…better stop at that….grin).
Thanks for brightening my day.
Tami Brothers
P.s. I’m with Tamara. Really digging that picture…….
Hilarious post, Michelle.
I have two little things to say about the junk part, and one big one to say about censorship. So that’s two littles and a big.
On to the littles:
1) We actually have a friend who broke his penis. And he broke it in exactly the way you think. I’ve been told the penis is much like a sausage in a casing. Bend it enough and it bursts. Btw, my husband sat with his legs crossed for a month after this happened to our friend. Me get tremendous sympathy pains when it comes to the penis.
2) It’s shaped like a boomerang??? Really? No wonder it keeps coming back to me.
Now to Censorship:
Censorship is usually conducted under the auspices of making things more moral, pious and appropriate. The interesting thing is that to censor something, one has to judge it. When one judges, one assumes a superior position, a higher-than position, an “I am better than you and you are less than.” Such a stance is very hurtful and is the same stance behind all the nasty -isms in the world.
My question then is: How can an “I’m better than you” stance be moral in any way, shape or form? How can hurting someone’s feeling be in any way construed as more pious and appropriate? It is such a blaring case of hypocrisy, I feel sick to my stomach.
JPS – I adore you. Judgment implies superiority and what a slippery slope that is! Have you ever heard the song by Dar Williams – Buzzer? It’s about how a behavioral experiment reveals the nature of fascism. This whole thing was not a total surprise, but I think it revealed character in a way that made me more certain than ever that the only thing I want to judge is the character of my companions.
Michelle, unfortunately the same argument can also be applied to me judging the censorship.
But I don’t think I’m better than. I’m just hurt.
Hi Julie. *waving to my friend*
This was censored? This? Because some people felt that it was anti-male? Ooohhhh please. It wasn’t anti-male. IT was funny. And the only way that you could have ruined someone’s life/career/family with this piece is if I was eating some thing when I read it. Because this post made me laugh. I laughed so hard at this piece I am certain that , had I had a piece of food in my mouth, that piece would have flown out of said mouth and hit someone in the eye. Blinding them.
Maybe that was the problem, Michelle.
Those women who wanted to censor you … had been blinded by your Humor!
Oh, Julie. I am going to adopt your take on this because to think they’ve been blinded by my humor is a much happier spin!
JPS, I want to be clear. I am better than you. (At being boring and frumpy, but that still counts). All religion and morals come from sitting with common women and men. Beggars, tax collectors, prostitutes, and thieves. Just the act of saying you cannot lower yourself means that when you fall its going to be a doozy. I’m already standing on the ground. To quote the Eagles. I’m really already sitting on the ground. Peaceful and easy.
Writers should be the ones to most fight censorship, that is unless you plan to write drivel. If you write drivel censor (yourself) all you want!
“If you write drivel censor (yourself) all you want!”
ZING!!! You rock.
Loved it! Wish I wasn’t the only one awake right now so I could laugh, guffaw and snicker as loud as I would have liked.
I can NOT believe anyone wanted to censor this post. In my mind it wasn’t offensive at all. Just humorous and informative. A boomerang…who knew???
Michelle, I’m very sorry this situation turned out the way it did. It was wrong, just plain wrong.
Thank you so much Cinthia. I appreciate your guffaws and your support. You’re such a classy lady. I’d like to see the guffaws in person. We’ll have to have cocktails some time.
Love it! I don’t know why men adjust their junk except to say it’s mostly a “comfort” thing. If a guy is rearranging the furniture in his basement for any other reason, he’s probably not much more than a player anyways (or perverted).
i saw absolutely nothing in the article that was censorable. maybe the other’s on the site see themselves as “above sophomoric humor,” which I love. Sad because it’s writers stifling writers. Even more egregious than the Powerful doing the same.
Maybe you should be a guest writer on boingboing.net. You seem to share Xeni’s style and Cory is pretty good at fiction.
“Rearranging the furniture in his basement.” I LOVE that! I’m totally stealing it.
Dude, Michelle, I’m so glad I’m not alone! When I told some of the ladies I worked with that I was having a boy, the question of cutting eventually came up. I was, and still am, vehemently against it but was surprised by the cavalier attitudes of some of the mothers, particularly the one who admitted that she circumcised her son because it “looked better.”
All I’m saying is that my son was an angel. He slept and ate well and almost never fussed. I like to think it’s because I didn’t tamper with his junk.
Sally, they literally asked me about the whole “c” thing five minutes after I found out I was having a boy. I’m like, “whoa! can I just adjust to the fact that I’m having a son before we talk about taking off pieces off him!” Luckily my hubs was fine with the decision. I would have left it to him, but we had some loooonnnggg talks. Our midwife actually tried to be neutral, but then applauded when we finally told her no cutting would occur!
We just had a baby boy (6-1-10) and I wrestled with snipping for years before I even had a child. I have Cattledogs (Queensland Heelers) that a lot of people dock their tails and cut their dew claws and I refused to that. And even after being advised that it lowers the risks of infection and transmission of STD’s, I still wasn’t convinced. But in the last 3 years I’ve seen 4 toddlers in my family who needed “corrective” surgery that a circumcision would’ve fixed early in the childs life (less traumatic). I decided to go with the Pro’s advise and got him snipped.
Sean – congrats! That’s a brand spanking new baby you got there! I bet he still has his new baby smell! Just wait until he discovers his junk and it becomes his new favorite toy. Nothing like a baby boy to teach that it just comes naturally to you boys.